Leo Tolstoy
It is now quite common for people to change jobs several times. There are those who think nothing of relocating, not only within their own country but also internationally, taking their entire families along with them. It is also now quite common for people to be married more than once and have more than one family.
Never before have so many people needed to deal with so many life changing decisions, in so many different areas of their lives, on such a consistent and accelerating basis. Indeed, one of the great challenges of our time is the ability to cope with change. As Charles Darwin observed, the ability to be adaptable is indeed the key to survival!
At times, life changes may be only minor. However on some occasions, they could have a major impact on your life. A huge amount of upheaval may well cause anxiety, especially if you don’t fully understand why the change is happening.
You will feel much better about the changes that you know or believe are going to make you better off in some way. It is the changes that you are uncertain of, or believe may be detrimental that you will get most anxious about. It is important to remember that even in the most adverse situations, there will always be some kind of positive outcome; you may just need to dig deep to find out what it is!
People across the ages have learnt how to benefit from the winds of change. Among them are great leaders, inventors, pioneers, innovators and builders. In fact every great success in any area of life will have been achieved to some extent through learning to adapt successfully to change and embracing the potential it can bring.
The paradox, however, is that sometimes you may want something to improve, but are perhaps not prepared to step out of your comfort zone to make the necessary changes to make life better. Sometimes you just need to grasp the nettle and go for it. There is a great quote by Henry Ford that reads ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’. Let’s face it, if life always stayed the same and nothing ever changed, it would get a little boring wouldn’t it?
There are so many benefits to change and it is important to focus on these when things feel a bit daunting:
Above all, change will provide you with new opportunities and will pave the way for greater things to come. The more open minded you are, the more you will embrace change and be rewarded with the benefits it brings.
The change process can sometimes be a struggle, although your ability to be strong and manage change positively and confidently is essential to successful living.
Change can bring about all sorts of reactions in people. Some positively embrace change and view it as exciting and something that will open new doors and present new opportunities.
Others, however, may well be far more resistant and fearful if they have previously encountered negative outcomes of change.
When dealing with change it is crucial not to allow negative baggage from the past to cloud your perspective. Acknowledging what you may have to let go of is important, although focusing on all the things you will gain is by far the best approach. Accepting too that you will experience a range of emotions through the process is sensible. One inevitability in life is that things do change, so learning to go with the flow and riding the crest of the wave will make the journey far more enjoyable, interesting and positive.
It is also realistic to accept that sometimes change may be a painful process. However as the saying goes, no pain no gain!
A Story About Change
One day a man called Nicholas found a small butterfly cocoon. He decided to keep it so that he could watch the metamorphosis of the butterfly as he had never seen this before.
Nicholas put the cocoon carefully on his desk and the next day a small opening appeared. For several hours, he sat and watched the butterfly as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared to be stuck.
Nicholas decided to help the butterfly and with a pair of scissors he cut open the cocoon. The butterfly easily emerged. But something was not quite right. He looked closer and noticed that the butterfly had a swollen body and shrivelled wings. Nicholas watched the butterfly intently, expecting it to take on its correct proportions.
Nothing happened and the butterfly stayed the same. Sadly it was never able to fly.
In his kindness and haste, Nicholas did not realise that the butterfly’s struggle to get through the small opening of the cocoon is nature’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight.
Like the sapling, which grows strong from being buffeted by the wind, in life we all need to struggle sometimes to make us stronger.
It is important to understand the relationship between change and grief. No matter how positive the experience and outcome of change may be, that change still means loss. When something changes, you lose your old way of being or your old set of circumstances. A certain amount of grief will, therefore, be inevitable.
Many years ago, people with terminal illnesses were an embarrassment for doctors. Someone who could not be cured was considered evidence of a doctor’s fallibility, and as a result, they regularly shunned the dying, using the excuse that nothing more could be done.
Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross challenged this unkindness and spent a lot of time both comforting and studying the terminally ill. She wrote On Death and Dying, which describes a process of emotional states that is now often referred to as the ‘grief cycle’. She observed that this emotional cycle is not exclusive to the dying, but is also experienced by others who are affected by any kind of change that they perceive negatively.
The Grief Cycle Model
A basic ‘grief cycle model’ has been developed by many organisations to illustrate the emotional rollercoaster that people experience when undergoing change. The key stages include:
A common problem with this cycle is that people get stuck in one phase. They could become resolute in their denial, never moving on to accept the inevitable future event. When that inevitable event happens, they still continue to deny its existence. One example would be when a person who has lost their job continues to go to the city dressed for the office only to sit on a park bench all day.
Getting stuck in denial is common in ‘cool’ cultures where expressing anger is not acceptable. A person may feel that anger, but they repress and bottle it up, which is not healthy.
Understanding the grief cycle will help you to map out where you are when you experience change and why you are feeling certain emotions. It can also help you to be more empathetic with others when they react to change in a particular way. The key is to be aware of the grief cycle and mindful of the fact that like any negative or emotionally damaging situation, you need to move through it as positively and quickly as you can. You cannot change anything until you accept it.
Managing personal change starts with a clear understanding of what your unconscious or ‘hidden’ commitments and values really are. This will be the biggest stumbling block to being open and receptive to change. From early childhood onwards, you develop your own inner map of reality and you understand, interpret and relate to the world ‘out there’ via this inner map.
Your capacity to be conscious or aware of your own inner map and how you create your experience of life through it is determined by your level of self-awareness.
Your inner hidden commitments have a high priority and will override any counter intentions that conflict with them. You (usually unknowingly) assign these a high priority because hidden commitments are inextricably linked to a hidden inner perception of your physical, psychological, social and emotional requirements and safety.
These hidden commitments are nearly always outside your conscious awareness, have a high priority and will override any counter intentions that conflict with them.
The quickest and easiest way to identify your inner resistance is to observe your reactions and behaviour in your attempts to change. Taking note of how you react in certain situations will help you to process the information in order to understand yourself better. Every change, big or small, has some impact and sometimes the issue with change is that it has a cluster effect. One change often seems to be followed by several more, and it can feel as though your whole world is changing. Learning how to manage change more effectively will help you to feel more in control.
‘Be the change you want the world to be.‘
Mahatma Ghandi